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Reunions and homecoming are a time of celebration and change. If your spouse or partner has been away a long time, it is easy to remember only the very good things and set high expectations for his or her return. We all want to have a picture-perfect homecoming. Realistically, reunions and homecomings bring an adjustment of roles for everyone. The transition from your picture-perfect homecoming to reality is not always smooth. Try to be realistic and understanding. It is normal to feel the very same feelings of apprehension and fear as you did for the deployment. You are probably feeling great relief and hope. It is quite common for communication between you and your spouse or partner and the family to be strained at first. You are getting reacquainted and re-established as a couple. Separation and time have changed you both.
While change can be good, it always takes some time to adjust to change. It is important to remember that your children have grown and changed both emotionally and physically. It is common for children to experience a variety of feelings and reactions both before and after their parent comes home. They may become firmly attached to the returning parent, wanting their full, undivided attention. Or they may seem distant, withdrawn, and pretend as though they do not care. They may be worried about things they have done. Ultimately they will be happy that their family is back together, but there will be a period of adjustment. Show them you care. Give them extra attention and time to adjust. Tell them how much you love them. Include your children in the process of creating your new “after-the-separation” family.
After weeks or months of being apart, it takes time to acclimate to being together. When your partner of spouse comes home, give him or her time to adjust. Do not spout off a list of problems or concerns as soon as he or she gets home. Allow him or her some time alone. Roles and responsibilities in the household have undergone a big change. Family dynamics are different. The role reversal of changing back to pre-deployment responsibilities can impact strongly on your relationship. You may like some of your new responsibilities and may have developed skills and new ideas as to how things should be done. Your mate’s only frame of reference is “how it used to be.” It can take several weeks to re-establish the newly agreed upon roles and responsibilities.
Try hard to maintain an attitude of mutual respect and appreciation for each other’s contributions to the relationship. Talk to each other. Encourage individual family members to discuss how they felt about the separation. Communication between family members is an essential element in reunion. Focus on happy memories. Discuss the difficult memories or events that happened, but try to focus on the positive aspects and outcomes. Turn your negative experiences into learning experiences. We all grow from the experiences we have and share.
For some couples, counseling may be helpful in gaining insight into your relationship and assist in rebuilding roles and lines of communication. Do not address your marital issues in front of your children. A military chaplain or your own clergy member is a great resource for advice and counseling. Military installations also offer counseling in various clinics. Seeking help for your relationship can be very insightful and can help to enrich your marriage.
Your spouse or partner will also undergo a transition to his or her regular job. It may have changed. His or her responsibilities may be different. Be a sounding board, listen to his or her feelings, and give him or her the space he or she needs to adapt to all that is happening.
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